Opening the Dialogue for Getting Your Needs Met
A friend of mine asked me, “Do you have any content or recommendations on how to build a dialogue with your partner so they can let you know what they need to get off?”.
Opening up the dialogue can be tricky if you don’t know where to start. I’m often asked how to communicate your own needs, which can be a great launching point for asking about theirs. We aren’t mind readers, and there aren’t any cue cards on the ceiling- so we are left to our own devices.
Mask on Yourself Before Others
If you’re having trouble asking for ways to be more satisfied, you might want to assess what you like and need to feel good on your own. Exploring solo is often overlooked- we can get into a rut with masturbation because we know what works, and stick with it. However, alone time can be a great way to test out if you like a sensation in a less vulnerable space. If you’ve never experienced anal but you’re curious, you can test a toy (an extra small plug) or explore with your own hands before letting someone try.
Sometimes with a partner, we might know we aren’t really into what they’re doing but don’t know what to change to make it better. My advice is to go by sensation and take cues from masturbation. If you often go for internal stimulation alone, for instance, you might be craving fullness, or something for your pelvis to bear down on while you orgasm. Similarly, if you like penetration alone, notice when you introduce this. Do you go for it right away, need to warm up to it, or end with it? This can clue you in on the pace you might enjoy best with your partner. The type of movement and firmness you use on yourself is an indicator, as well. If your clitoris is extra sensitive, make sure you tell your partner to go gentle and soft- or vice versa, and ask for more! If you have a penis, you can readjust someone’s grip or ask for softer strokes while reminding them how much you enjoy this feeling. Remember that the “goal” of an orgasm doesn’t need to be such a big deal- focus on mutual pleasure instead of a mental checklist of getting your partner off- you’d be surprised how much this can affect the energy in the room.
Adjustments Big and Small
So your partner’s mouth is on you, and you’re kind of getting close…. And then they change it up. This cycle repeats until you kind of give up and either fake it or push them away, which can lead to confusion and resentment. Here’s a hint to anyone this resonates with: sometimes we need to give some continuous words of affirmation, and then have a frank discussion outside of the bedroom. If you really mean “don’t stop, I’m close”, tell them that it really does mean to not change rhythm, pressure, or sensation. Some people like edging, while for others it can fill them with disappointment and rage (no joke!). Tell them how you feel in an honest yet positive tone. If this person is equally prioritizing your pleasure, they will make the adjustment. Sex should be enjoyable for all parties involved, so if you really don’t like being on top- don’t get on top! There are so many things to explore and try, so don’t feel bad if your needs during sex exclude a whole position or activity.
That being said, remember that if someone doesn’t like what you’re doing, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re “bad” in bed. In fact, being attentive to your partner’s needs and their specific desires is what constitutes good sex in my book! If someone tells you they want to switch to another activity, just accept it and enthusiastically move on. It can increase performance anxiety and cause a rift in intimacy if you internalize this negatively, which can make it harder for everyone to enjoy themselves.
Phrasing Matters
Don’t ask for things apologetically. Saying “sorry that it takes me so long”, or “I’m sorry but, I need more pressure” can make it seem like you’re unsure of what you want or that your partner is doing something wrong. Swap out these phrases for something like, “Keep going it feels amazing”, or “I want more pressure right there” indicates that it is a collaborative process. Avoid also phrases that sound like questions, like “can we maybe try a different position?”. If asking directly seems too much, you can rephrase your question to “How’d you like it if I got on top?”. If they say no, you might feel extra stuck, so I recommend asking directly: “I’d like to swap positions”, so that it is clear you’re not feeling it.
If you find yourself being apologetic, practice going for what you want on your own and working through any residual feelings of guilt or shame. Journaling, talking it out, or reading some empowering books on sexuality can really help some people recognize that they’re worth the pleasure, and it’s worth asking for. It is okay to be shy, but don’t make yourself doubt your worthiness because you need something different.
If your partner seems apologetic, encourage them by reassuring them their pleasure matters to you. Some people have trouble receiving pleasure because they don’t believe their partner really enjoys giving. If they move your hand without really giving direction, maybe they’re more of a nonverbal communicator. Ask them to show you with their body or face when they really like something, or to squeeze your hand when they’re feeling great. Likewise, if your partner isn’t sure how to tell you what they like, ask if you can masturbate together. This can be literally in each others arms, even while kissing! It can be as intimate and non-voyeuristic as you’d like.
Kinks, Quirks, and Bigger Discussions
If you know you need a certain kink in order to get the most out of the experience, this is a convo you should save for a time you’re not having sex. If you sense your partner might be into something you haven’t tried yet, you can ask them about it outside of the bedroom, too. Bringing this up during sex isn’t recommended because adrenaline or pleasure can skew our judgment! Although, I have asked for something with a trusted partner (a light neck squeeze, for example) by asking “Is this okay?” and knowing we have safety measures in place. Keep in mind, this is not while they’re in an altered state or close to orgasm themselves. Sensing these things with a partner may inherently come with time, and there isn’t any one-size-fits-all advice for these types of needs! You can bring up what you need outside of the sex in an environment that is calm and you can give each other full attention. This can be pillow talk, on a walk together, or even over facetime- whatever works for you as sexual partners. If these types of conversations don’t bubble up naturally in your relationship, consider some type of educational or erotic content to share with what you want. I’m not suggesting sending a porn link and asking “you down?” if you’ve never discussed that before. I am, however, suggesting incorporating some sort of educational content. For example, if you know you’re very into bondage, consider taking a ropes workshop together, or watching a non-pornographic video on it (like Midori on youtube) together and starting an open discussion. Easing into this is key if you haven’t discussed it with your partner yet.
For those with needs that often are tied to confusing connotations, it can be especially vulnerable to discuss with a partner. This goes beyond BDSM, for those who enjoy prostate play, for instance, I recommend telling your partner how good it makes you feel and how you can take the proper safety or cleanliness precautions. If you’re suggesting putting your partner in a position or role they’ve never explored before, be prepared to answer questions and have a discussion beforehand. For people who want to incorporate a toy to ensure their pleasure, you can make it a playful and mutual activity when it is first introduced. You can even build anticipation by telling them you used it on your own, and ask if they would like to see it when you’re together. This can help create a sense of intimacy and playfulness around something you feel you need individually.
Bottom Line
When telling your partner what your needs are, it is a great time to ask them about theirs. So many of us freeze up at the question “so, what do you like?”. We might go blank trying to pinpoint where to even begin. Instead, ask them a more personal question like “what is your favorite way you get off?” or “what do you want more of from me?”. It can be a great icebreaker and help your partner have a tangible answer.
Want to hear more practical advice? Check out my two-part Q&A Podcast episode here or send me a message here.
